Crimson Tears from this Borken Heart
lie to me like you always do my love
tell me you love me as you slit my throat
i'll let you use me as you please, my angel
just make me belive that im alive
I'll let you take her thorns from my heart
and drive yours in deeper
i'll let you keep me as your own
ill be the victim of your desires
I'll let you drive your nails into my skin
i'll let you bite me untill i bleed
I'll let you tear me apart, piece by piece
i'll let you devour me in the abyss of your soul
I dont care if you take me along for the ride
or if you care for this hollow boy
just make me belive i dont have to feel
make me belive i have a reason to live for
Break my heart tonight
leave me to bleed on my tiled floor
let me see my reflection in my crimson lies
let me feel like theres no tomorrow
I dont want to feel anymore
i dont want to live forever
ill kiss the knife for the last time
ill believe it was worth the pain
looks like i lost my shine
ive began to rust and burn
lead me my angel to my final kiss
and let me die here in your arms
~fin for the fallen~
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
This poem was a lot of telling and not enough imagery. You did have good description but other than that it felt a little soapy. The fact that the narrator was so willing to take all this, I was wondering whether it was sarcasm or the truth. If it WAS sarcasm then it's better to not use sarcasm and to actually go into feeling so that others can understand what the narrators going through. Other than that you need to work on your spelling and grammar. Capitalize your I's mostly. This was a great border poem, it just needs to be filled in a little more. It has great potential!
Keep it up!
~Rieda
1. Borken?
2. Belive?
3. Check spelling.
4. Put punctuation in.
5. This sounds like my emo magnetic poetry.
6. It sounds kinky.
It needs a little work, but with some work it will be better.
Yay, now I know what people mean by emo poetry! Ok, Snoink and Claudette, as always, make good points. Reading poetry will help you. I'd suggest running this through the spell check, and definitely add punctuation and capital letters as Claudette says. And now I'm going to get specific and look at this for what it is...
Get rid of "my angel" in the first verse. You've already said "my love", so this is too much. I'd change "slit my throat" and "use me" as they're a little stagnant, especially the latter.I think you should try and feel the pain more when you're writing, that way the reader will be able to feel it too. The final line of this stanza is overused to the point where it's becoming cliche.Try and say this in another way.What has caused the speaker's numbness?Why is it frustrating him so much that pain is preferable?
The second stanza jars a little, though your imagery is better here. I'd suggest reading it aloud so you can get an idea of how it's flowing. I like the imagery of the first two lines, just address the rhythm and the flow and it will be fine.
I'd scrap the last two lines of the next stanza as they're a little stale.On second thoughts, I think that this whole verse needs reworking. You're better than "take me along for the ride" and "hollow". Your words are usually much more powerful than this.
The third line of the next stanza is great, this is classic you. I'd recommend changing the other lines as "Break my heart" "leave me to bleed" and "feel like there's no tomorrow" aren't original.
I don't think the next verse is entirely necessary. The following one is quite good.I like the first two lines. Again, get rid of "my angel". I'd get rid of the whole "let me die in your arms" thing, as again, this is overused.
I hope you don't think that I'm being too harsh. You said you haven't written for a while, so I think that you just need to get back into the flow and find your way back to your voice.For future reference, I'd like to see a bit more development of your female characters, as they always come across as evil temptresses, and I think that your work would benefit from making them more three dimensional.
Hope this helps. Good to see you back.
Ignoring your lack of punctuation and capitalization for the moment...
Snoink is so right. Consider reading poetry; you'll realize their is more to it than the pronoun I ^_~
Ah yes, a poem about S&M. Lovely.
This is a classical example of navel-gazing emo poetry. Try to go beyond the narrator's viewpoint, and I'm sure it will be something much better.